Ninja vs Pirates
by OriginalSilver
Summary: Inspired by both the controversy and an online series called Red vs. Blue, Ninja vs. Pirates takes the stage as the next "epic struggle" between two... forces that are fighting for... something... They don't even know what they're fighting for.
1. Chapter 1

**Ninja Vs. Pirates**

**Log One: The Seven Seas of Die…**

It was another day down at the docks of port Jolos where two pirates stood awaiting their Captain's return from the town. Both of them appeared to be of the same height and build. Both wore red bandannas up their heads. One was covering his flowing blond hair and the other was covering up some rather unattractive balding. The balding one wore nothing on top except for a leather vest to compliment his dark and tattered jeans. As he walked, the clunking of his boots could be heard. The pirate with him was leaning against a pole along the docks. He, too, wore a vest but had a black shirt underneath. His leggings were similar but baggier and had a flame design along the bottom of the legs.

The one moving back and forth had his hand on the hilt of his sword which he kept glancing at with his eye as the other eye was covered with a patch. He did not need the patch and neither did his partner. They just had the patches because it was their "thing". The pirate who was not moving had two holsters for his guns on both sides of his waste. He did not bother with them because his hands were in his pockets as he seemed to be napping, but not successfully.

"I can't believe this," the first one ranted.

"What now?" the leaning one asked.

"I can't believe the captain just left us here when the Port Patrol could be around any minute," he explained. "I know he said he'd be only a minute, but it has been three hours now."

"What did you expect joining the Pirate Corps?" the lazy pirate replied. "Listen, Headrick. I've picked up a lot in my short time with this crew. From what I've learned, we're managed by idiots. The Pirate Code is a joke. In all seriousness, I think we'd be making more of ourselves if we actually did honest work rather than try to steal from people and pillage their towns."

"So then why don't you quit?" Headrick asked. "Come on, Keeler. If the honest world is so great then why don't you just join it?"

"Because I was inspired as a child to be a pirate," Keeler answered. "Ever hear of the Queen song, _Seven Seas of Die_?"

"Die?" Headrick questioned. "I thought it was 'rye'?"

"Rye?" Keeler argued. "That doesn't sound right. Do you even know who Queen is?"

"Of course I know who Queen is," Headrick defended himself. "Queen is that band with the gay singer, right?"

"That's not just Queen," Keeler answered. "But yes, you are right. Congratulations, you want another tattoo as a reward?"

"Hey!"Headrick snapped. "Don't mock my tattoos! They all have meaning to my life and-"

"Meaning?" Keeler repeated mockingly. "You have a tattoo on both biceps. They're both anchors. The meaning behind them is you saw Pop-Eye and lack creativity."

"Shut up," Headrick ordered. "Besides, we're supposed to be guarding our ship from attack."

"We're pirates," Keeler said. "No one would attempt to attack us because they fear us. The only ones we need to worry about are ninjas. They haven't attacked us in months."

"You call what they did last time an attack?" Headrick laughed. "All they did was shout at us and say they hated us."

"Yeah," Keeler agreed. "I suppose we don't have anything to worry about.

* * *

Meanwhile, in a group of trees nearby, there were two people in ninja-garb watching Headrick and Keeler. Neither wore a full face mask or sleeves, but they both wore a ninja tunic, pants, gloves, footings, and a mask that covered the bottom halves of their faces. The dark-skinned ninja had a large purple Afro and his outfit was white. The lighter-skinned ninja had messy black hair and his outfit was all black. As they watched, the ninja dressed in black kept stroking the blades of whatever weapons he had and watched the pirates intently.

"What are they doing?" the black ninja piped up after a few moments.

"What!?" the black-dressed ninja asked.

"I said, 'What are they doing?'" the black ninja repeated.

"Goddamn, I'm so sick of answering that question!" the black-dressed ninja exclaimed.

The black ninja became defensive, "Hey, you're the one who has those magic eyes and I don't so I can't see as well as you from this distance and I'm not going to sit up here all day and play with my dick so-"

"Okay!" the black-dressed ninja sighed. "Look. They're just standing there and talking. That's all they EVER do is just stand there and talk. That's what they were doing last month. That's what they did yesterday. That's what they did FIVE MINUTES ago. So, when you ask me five minutes from NOW, I'll say they're still just talking and they're still just standing there!"

There was a long pause and then the black ninja piped up again, "What are they talking about?"

The black-dressed ninja glared at the black ninja, "I fucking hate you."

* * *

"I just think that our resources should be better spent actually sailing the seven seas of die and stealing new boats," Headrick suggested. "That would be the best way to get things done."

"Yeah," Keeler chuckled. "We should be the leaders of the pirate fleets. Then we'd be moderately more successful than we are now."

"No shit," Headrick agreed. Just then the captain returned from his travels on land.

"Afternoon, wenches!" Captain shouted to Hedrick and Keeler. "Mind getting over here, on the double, as in now!?"

"Yes, sir, Captain!" they both shouted.


	2. Chapter 2

**Ninja Vs. Pirates**

**Log Two: Birds of a Feather**

Both Headrick and Keeler quickly approached their captain further down the docks, by the boat house. The Captain was a little larger in both height and build than either Headrick or Keeler. Like his subordinates, he wore a vest and jeans. Unlike his subordinates, he donned a triconne with a skull on it, a much more fitting undershirt under his vest, a bottle of rum strapped to his waist where a sword or gun would normally go, and a lot of facial hair in the form of a gray beard. Usually his eyes were blood shot, like they were at the moment. On his shoulder, like usually, was his green-winged macaw, Ego.

"Well," Captain began. "Glad to see you showed up. Sometimes I wonder if I'm running a pirate crew or a wussy-factory."

"Wussy factory!" Ego repeated.

"That's right, First Mate Ego," the Captain complimented. "I'm glad someone around here knows all the trouble I go through to make this all work."

"I know the trouble you go through, sir!" Headrick responded.

"I know you do, Headrick," Captain nodded. "Anyway, I have a special announcement for you ladies today."

"Is it why the bird is named 'Ego'?" Keeler asked. "I thought the name was supposed to be 'Iago or something like that."

"Don't be stupid Keeler!" Captain ordered. "I had to name him 'Ego'. When I got this bird, the Aladdin movie was already put out by Disney. I tried to fight for the rights to the name, but just like Robin Williams, Disney screwed me over."

"Stupid Keeler! Screwed me over!" Ego repeated.

Captain chuckled. "Ain't that the truth... okay, so time for that big surprise I had for you two. First off, the Pirate Corps has informed me via messenger macaw that we'll be getting a new swashbuckler tomorrow at o-eight-hundred-hours. In the mean time, I was also managed to… um… _find_ an _unused _boat in the docks we'll be taking."

"Is it the _Queen of Speed_, over there?" Keeler asked. "I heard it is the fastest ship on the sea."

"No, idiot," Headrick answered. "You're thinking the _Black Pearl_."

"What?" Keeler asked. "The _Black Pearl_ has got nothing on the _Red Diamond_."

"True," Captain interjected, "but I think both pale in comparison to the _Red Bull_ or the _Blue Ox_."

"He's got us there," Headrick agreed.

"Yeah," Keeler added.

"Now that we have settled that little debate, time to introduce you to our new flagship," Captain began with great enthusiasm.

"_New _flagship?" Keeler remarked. "We never had A flagship. We got here on a rowboat and we didn't have oars. We had to use the sheaths of our swords to row us… for at least twenty miles."

"Can it land-lover," Captain ordered. "As I was saying, this _new_ flagship will be the beginnings of our quest for glory over all ninja kind! With it, we will be victorious!"

"Uh sir," Headrick interrupted. "I did not realize we actually had declared war on the ninjas. I thought we just hated each other."

"Yep," Captain replied. "We've been locked into mortal-hated-deadly-dark-merciless-insane-hated-killtastic combat for many generations. Did I mention that there was death?"

"Can you just show us the damn flagship already?" Keeler asked.

"Feast your eyes on this!" the captain shouted loudly as he turned and pointed to an enormous ship sitting in the docks on the end. The masts stood to be at least fifty feet high with the actual ship being roughly the size of two or three semi-trucks. The front of the ship even had a dragon carved into the front of the ship. "I stole this from a rich philanthropist named Bill… something…"

"Gates?" Headrick suggested.

"No."

"Cosby?"

"No."

"Crystal?"

"NO!" Captain paused. "Who was the first one again?"

"Bill Gates?"

"That's it," Captain remembered. "Anyway, when I stole this I had to kill a lot of guards and assassins who wanted to kill the guards to get to Bill Gates themselves. That's not important. What's important is the name for our new vessel. I'm calling it… the-"

"The name is on the side," Keeler pointed out. "It's the _Dragon Storm_"

"I'M calling it… the _Sea Critter_!" Captain insisted.

"Excellent name, sir!" Headrick replied.

"_Sea critter_!" Ego repeated.

"Why the _Sea Critter_?" Keeler insisted. "There's a dragon on the front!"

"Dragon?" Captain asked. "That sounds like another crazy idea from ol' Keeler here. I say we shoot him so his insanity doesn't spread."

* * *

The ninja had followed them down the docks and were lying in wait in some bushes. The black ninja was right behind the black-dressed ninja.

"Whoa!" the black ninja exclaimed. "They have a boat! Why can't we get something like that!?"

"What? We're ninja!" the black-dressed ninja replied. "We can teleport and run at the speed of darkness. Why would we need a boat to travel?"

"To pick up chicks when we get into port, man," the black ninja replied. "Gotta have something so I can get L-A-I-D."

"You can bitch about anything can't you Takaru?" the black-dressed ninja insulted. "Tomorrow we're getting a mystery bag of weapons from Ninja Central as well as new scrolls for forbidden techniques and a new recruit. Besides, what chicks? There hasn't been anyone in this abandoned town for months except for Bill Gates and that was just to dock his ship for the day."

There was a pause before Takaru spoke again. "So… , what kind of ship is it?"

"I don't know," Kenko answered. He used his magical eye technique again. "It looks like one of those flag ships from the Dragon-Style series… too big to be the _Dragon Titan_ though."

"From here, it looks like the _Dragon Storm_," Takaru replied.

"Yeah," Kenko agreed. "That's it."

* * *

"Now that we have our new flagship, I think we should head out to sea and the seven seas of die a new one!" Captain boldly suggested.

"See! I told you it was die!" Keeler mocked.

"Shut up, dirtbag," Captain ordered. "Now when I say 'we', I mean 'me'. I need you boys to stay here a little longer and wait for our new recruit to show up. He'll be here tomorrow." The captain untied the ship from the dock quickly and jumped onto the deck. "I'll be back sometime in the near future… like later tomorrow. Then we'll sail out as a crew… we'll go someplace nice and drop Keeler off on an island of cannibals."

"Yeah… that's just great," Keeler sighed.

"Don't feel so down, Keeler," the captain shouted as he sailed off. "I'm hoping your body tastes bad enough to give those cannibalistic bastards indigestion that kills them. Then Headrick, Ego, the new recruit, and I will take the island for ourselves. We'll kidnap some women and repopulate the island and start a whole new country."

"Will you at least rename the island in my honor?" Keeler joked.

"Sorry," Captain shrugged, "I'm naming it after Ego here."

"What about a city?" Keeler suggested.

"Maybe, but I've already planned out all of them," Captain answered from the distance.

"WHAT ABOUT A STREET!?" Keeler called out.

"IF WE DECIDE TO BUILD ROADS, I'LL CONSIDER IT!" the captain finished.


	3. Chapter 3

**Ninja Vs. Pirates**

**Log Three: Ninja-Mart Store**

Keeler and Headrick had nothing to do for the day, so they decided to sit around and wait for the new rookie to arrive. To pass the time, they sat on some crates down by the docks and played cards on the back of a dead bodyguard that the Captain took out the other day in acquiring the _Sea Critter_. The game was called Buckler and was a game unique to the world of pirates. The objective of the game… is actually not really clear. Keeler and Headrick seemed to be making up rules as they went along.

"I got three queens and that totally beats what you have!" Keeler said.

"No way," Headrick argued. "Three queens can't beat four queens and two jacks."

"How do you even have four more queens?" Keeler asked. "Doesn't a deck only have four queens? What kind of cheap game are you playing?"

"The game where I win, idiot," Hedrick mocked. "Now fork over five doubloons and your left shoe!"

"I don't recall the rules ever saying that the loser has to give away their shoe at the fourth round," Keeler remarked.

"Yeah?' Hedrick asked. "Well I didn't remember the underwear-snapping being in round two but someone insisted we use it."

Keeler chuckled, "Yeah… that was fun. I think we'll add that in round seven… maybe."

"I know I will when I win the next round," Hedrick threatened.

* * *

"So then I asked 'What is in a mystery bag?' And then _he _said 'It's a mystery'," the new Genin in the Ryusukemaru Clan's Jolos outpost said to Kenko and Takaru. The rookie was dressed in full ninja attire. He had a face-mask that completely covered his head and left only his red-eyes visible. No portion of his skin could be seen on his body as it was covered with more black ninja garb.

"Shut up, rookie!" Kenko ordered. Kenko and Takaru were looking over the scrolls that Ninja Central had sent along with the rookie and the mystery bags. "I wonder what this symbol means." Kenko pointed to a kanji on a scroll that meant Tiger.

"Dude!" Takaru snapped. "You're a ninja! You should be able to read Ninja-Language!"

"Fine," Kenko retorted. "I'll admit I'm stupid… if you tell me what the symbol means." He passed his scroll over to Takaru.

"Of course I know," Takaru took the scroll. He had no idea what the kanji meant on his or Kenko's scroll. Takaru stared at it intently hoping it would unlock its meaning. "I think yours means… awesomeness."

"Yeah," Kenko took the scroll. "Give me that, you fucktard."

"I think I can read them!" the rookie exclaimed.

"What's your name rookie?" Takaru asked.

"My name is… Rinki," the rookie answered.

"Okay then," Kenko nodded. "Rinki, shut the fuck up!"

"But I do know!" Rinki admitted. "I picked up a lot of Ninjanese when I worked at the Ninja-Mart Store in Ohio!"

Kenko let out a long and frustrated sigh. "Okay… first, I'll start by saying you're an idiot. Next, there is no such language as Ninjanese. The language that ninja primarily speak is English and sometimes, like in the case of these symbols, Elven. Lastly, there is no Ninja Mart Store. You can check out the Ask-a-Ninja-Ninja and he'll tell you the same thing."

"Wait," Takaru interrupted. "Elven? I didn't think elves were real."

"Remember when you said that about the Dragorgon?" Kenko reminded. "Luckily I was there to save your ass."

"Dragorgon?" Rinki asked.

"Shut up, rookie," Takaru ordered. "Save my ass? You threw at least forty shuriken before you hit the damn thing. I can't believe it took you that long to hit it when it was the size of a house."

"Shut up, Takaru," Kenko ordered. "I took it out in the end."

"No you didn't," Takaru argued. "It died from a heart attack because most of your shuriken hit its babies and killed them causing it to have the heart attack from the stress of losing its children."

"See," Kenko gloated. "I saved your ass."

"Shut up, Kenko," Rinki interrupted. Both Takaru and Kenko stared angrily at Rinki. "Sorry, I just wanted to belong."

"What the fuck did YOU say to ME?" Kenko demanded.

"I just… I'm sorry… I'll just… um…" Rinki was flustered.

"Get the hell out of here before I break you in two rookie!" Kenko ordered.

"Y-Yes, sir!" Rinki ran off into a large wooded area.

"That seemed a little harsh, dude," Takaru criticized. "You could have said 'please' or something."

"I don't do 'please', Takaru," Kenko answered.

* * *

Rinki ran through the woods at blinding speed. He jumped from tree to tree until he came to the other side of the woods near the docks. He stopped in the cover of a taller tree and rested on its branch. From his new vantage point, he could see Keeler and Hedrick playing cards down at the docks.

"This is perfect!" Rinki said aloud. "If I go and infiltrate the pirates… and then take them out… Kenko will believe that there is a Ninja Mart Store! Then he'll be my friend. I will go and do this!" Rinki made a small string of hand-signs and then there was a poof of smoke as he transformed into a generic-looking pirate. Once he did, he fell out of the tree onto his back. "I forgot… pirates… can't climb trees. Stupid physics…" Rinki shakily stood up onto his fake peg leg and brushed himself off with his fake hook hand. He then began to approach the pirates on the docks

* * *

"Ouch!" Headrick shouted as he snapped his own underwear. "I can't believe I lost to a hand of all threes."

"That's what happens when you have all twos," Keeler mocked. "Hey look!" Keeler pointed to the approaching pirate. "I think that might be our new recruit." The pirate approaching looked rather generic with a peg-leg, hook-hand, a rather elaborate captain's jacket, and a large pirate hate.

"What the hell?" Headrick exclaimed. "Who's he kidding?"

"What do you mean?" Keeler asked.

"I mean why is he wearing all that?!" Headrick rephrased. "That is traditional captain's garb. No swabbie wears that shit."

"Hey," Keeler said. "You're right! We'd better tell him so Captain won't kill him." The two put down their cards an approached the oncoming pirate. "Hold it right there!" Keeler ordered.


	4. Chapter 4

Ninja vs. Pirates

Log Four: Sink or Swim

Headrick and Keeler approached the incoming new pirate. Keeler spoke up first, "Hold it right there!"

"Did I do something wrong?" Rinki asked them.

"Yeah," Keeler answered. "No pirates wear peg-legs or hooks any more. They went out at the same time Playstation stopped being cool."

"Playstation is still cool!" Rinki defended.

"Maybe if you're a rich little dumbass," Headrick shot down. "Pirates only play Xbox. We have ventured into playing on various Nintendo consoles. Since it is Japanese, we fear that it has too much in relation to ninja and therefore we try not to get too into Nintendo. The same goes for Sega too."

"Oh!" Rinki said. "I love Sega! Sonic is so much fun!"

"Sonic sucks," Keeler argued. "I especially hate the 3D titles."

"The 3D titles are fun!" Rinki defended. "They're not perfect but they're fun."

"You know," Keeler said. "Just for this insubordinate attitude, I think you'll have to swab the decks of the ship."

Rinki looked and saw no ships in port. "What ship?"

"The new ship we got," Headrick explained. "Once the captain gets back, you'll be cleaning it for a week."

"Aw… man," Rinki sighed.

"Hello, sirs!" another pirate approached the trio. "I am Dirty Diego Cota ready for duty! What can I do for you first, sirs?" The new pirate had stringy dark hair dangling from his head on all sides. He wore a tattered button-up shirt and tattered dark pants. Instead of shoes or being barefoot, he apparently wore sandals.

"What?" Headrick questioned. "We're only supposed to get one new recruit. What the hell is going on here?"

"What do you mean?" Cota asked. "I was told by the Pirate Corps in person to come and join with the Jolos crew."

"First off," Headrick corrected, "We're NOT calling ourselves the Jolos crew. Second, you didn't answer my question!" He stared down both new pirates. "Neither one of you have told us why there are two of you."

"I think I know why, Headrick," Keeler stepped in the conversation. "It is a trick. One of them is a ninja, I'll bet."

_Oh Crap, _Rinki thought.

"Yeah!" Headrick agreed. "But which one you think is the trick rookie?"

"Well," Keeler thought about it for a moment. "There are several ideas we _could_ do. Like see if either one of them knows the first line of the Pirate Code."

"I know it!" Cota spoke up. "The first line reads… 'A pirate is only honorable to himself and to none other'."

"I was going to say that too!" Rinki lied.

"Um… is that right, Headrick?" Keeler asked.

"What? You mean you never read the code?" Headrick asked.

"No. Why? Is it important?" Keeler admitted.

"Well they're both wrong," Headrick said. "They're both either ninja or both dipshits. Either way, we are not any closer to solving that problem."

"Oh!" Keeler had an epiphany. "What if we throw them both off the docks?!"

"What good would that do?" Headrick shot back.

"Simple," Keeler explained. "Ninja can walk on water by storing that magic crap on the bottom of their feet. So a ninja will walk on the water while a pirate splashes in and has to swim."

"Man," Headrick sighed. "Pirates suck at so many things. But couldn't the ninja not use his magic to walk on water? Then we'd still not know what's going on."

"I read somewhere that Ninja can't not control that magic feet energy," Keeler replied. "It's like your reflexes or something. It just happens because that's how your body reacts."

"Really?" Headrick asked. "You read?"

"Shut up, Headrick," Keeler snapped. "Let's just try it and see if it is true. If not, you can take five more doubloons and I'll snap my underwear for a week."

"I suppose that works for me," Headrick agreed. Headrick grabbed Rinki and Keeler grabbed Cota. The two dragged the rookies over to the docks. "On the count of three. Ready? One… Two…"

"Wait!" Keeler interrupted. "On three or is it three then 'Go'?"

"On three!" Headrick snapped. "It's always on three because that's faster."

"This seems like a really old joke guys," Cota pointed out.

"Shut up, rookie!" Keeler and Headrick shouted. "One! Two! Three!"

* * *

"So did you open your mystery bag yet?" Kenko asked.

"Hell no," Takaru replied. "I'm not opening that. What if something is in there I don't want to see… like your mom."

"That was stupid, Takaru," Kenko sighed. "Also, that's part of the mystery. From what I've been told, ANYTHING can be in that bag. ANYTHING."

"So your mom could really be in this bag, eh?" Takaru pointed out. "Bow Chicka Bow Wow."

"Shut up, Takaru," Kenko ordered. "You're more annoying than the damn rookie!"

Takaru looked around. "Where is he anyway?"

"What?" Kenko looked up from his scroll and looked around. Using his magic eye technique, he gazed through the trees to see what was going on down at the docks. "Oh fuck!"

"What?" Takaru asked. "What's going on?"

"Takaru," Kenko called. "Grab your bag."

"Bow Chicka Bow Wow!"

"Shut up, Takaru!"

* * *

Keeler

and Headrick threw their captives into the empty bay to see who was a ninja, and who wasn't. Cota landed in the water and made a giant splash that soaked Keeler. Rinki flew a little further than Cota, but he managed to land on top of the water and look back at the pirates, dry as a bone.

and Headrick threw their captives into the empty bay to see who was a ninja, and who wasn't. Cota landed in the water and made a giant splash that soaked Keeler. Rinki flew a little further than Cota, but he managed to land on top of the water and look back at the pirates, dry as a bone.

and Headrick threw their captives into the empty bay to see who was a ninja, and who wasn't. Cota landed in the water and made a giant splash that soaked Keeler. Rinki flew a little further than Cota, but he managed to land on top of the water and look back at the pirates, dry as a bone.

"I told you!" Keeler laughed. "Snap I knew it!"

"I'll admit," Headrick exclaimed. "That is pretty cool. So now what?"

Rinki's canceled his transformation and returned back into his normal ninja form. "I think I'll be running now," he informed. With that, he began to take off back into the woods. Headrick and Keeler gave him chase.

"No you don't, ninja!" Keeler shouted as he took his guns out of their holsters.

"Yeah! Suck it, ninja!" Headrick added, unsheathing his sword.

Still in the water, Cota resurfaced and spat out the water he swallowed. He looked over to see that everyone had run into the woods. "Hey! Guys! I could use some help here! I think I saw a shark while I was down there!"


	5. Chapter 5

Ninja vs. Pirates

Log Five: First Come First Servedf

Headrick and Keeler chased Rinki to the edge of the woods where Rinki disappeared. They glared into the woods and watched Rinki make his escape. For a moment, Keeler kept looking at Headrick and then back at Rinki wondering when someone was going to move. Then he asked, "Headrick! Why are you just standing there!?"

"Are you kidding me?" Headrick responded. "He's a ninja. There place is in the woods while ours is at sea! He's kill me if I went on his turf alone."

"In all fairness, since they can walk on water and we can't, I'd say the sea is theirs too," Keeler pointed out. "Just a reminder."

"Who cares?" Headrick asked. "Besides, I'm not going after him in the woods where they do their training. He knows it better than I do."

"I'll Roshambo you for it," Keeler suggested. "I win, you go in first. If you win, I'll go in first. I'll start us off."

"Wait!" Headrick demanded. "What the hell is Roshambo?"

"Roshambo is a game where we kick each other in the nuts as hard as possible. You lose when you fall down," Keeler explained. "It's pretty much a game of chicken. The only difference here is that you may never be able to have kids in the future."

"Seems kind of easy," Headrick mocked. "Do you usually win?"

"I've never lost," Keeler admitted. "I know a secret way to never lose."

"Oh, really? What's that?" Headrick asked. Then Keeler ran up to Headrick and kicked him in his lower region with great force. "URGH!" Headrick wheezed as he started to collapse onto the ground.

"Sorry, dude," Keeler apologized. "Looks like you're first."

"I… hate…" Headrick coughed. "y-you…"

* * *

"Running! Running! Running!" Rinki shouted to himself as he ran away from the pirates. He kept going further and further into the woods. Along the way back to their secret ninja base, Rinki ran past Kenko and Takaru. "Hey, it's Kenko!" Rinki told himself as he ran past them. "Maybe I should turn back around and see what they're doing out here!" He kept running for a moment before he realized he hadn't turned around yet. He switched directions and eventually made his approach to Kenko and Takaru.

"It's about time, rookie!" Kenko shouted. "What the fuck happened over there!?"

"I disguised myself as a pirate to see if I could gather information or capture someone," Rinki said slowly. "I was then thrown onto the water which revealed that I was a ninja."

"How'd that reveal that you're a ninja?" Kenko asked. "Didn't you just fall into the water?"

"No," Rinki answered. "Apparently the energy in our feet are like our reflexes and work automatically whether we want them to or not."

"What?" Takaru chuckled. "That's not true… is it?"

"I didn't know either," Kenko admitted. "Those pirates are smarter than I gave them credit for."

* * *

"So why am I going into the woods first?" Cota asked.

Keeler sighed. "Because it has been five minutes and Headrick is having breathing problems. So I need you to take his place, rookie."

"Can't you go first?" Cota asked.

"Since Headrick lost our game, he had to go first," Keeler explained. "But he can't perform his normal duties right now and you're taking his place. Since you are in his place you'll have to go first like he would have had to if he was capable of standing for more than a second."

"Oh," Cota said. "Um… can I Roshambo you for it?"

"Hell, no!" Keeler laughed. "I'm not falling for that trick. Just get in there."

* * *

"So I won against Rinki in Roshambo," Kenko said, standing above Rinki who was writhing in pain. "That means he leads us back to the Pirate Alcove."

"It isn't really an alcove is it?" Takaru asked. "I thought alcoves were more in like… caves and stuff."

"Whatever," Kenko ignored him. "Okay, Rinki. Go on ahead."

"I'm going," Rinki wheezed as he crawled slowly along the ground. "I'm… just going… very slowly… it is… a tactic…"

"Should we just walk over him?" Kenko asked.

"Yeah," Takaru answered. The two stepped over Rinki and made their way to where the pirates were located. They both made a string of hand-signs to camouflage themselves with their surroundings. Only Takaru's purple afro was remotely visible in the thicket of trees.

* * *

"I think I heard a noise," Cota muttered to Keeler.

"What was it?" Keeler asked.

"It was a crunching sound," Cota informed.

"That was us walking on the various twigs and leaves," Keeler sighed. "Look, if you hear something UNUSUAL tell me. Otherwise, shut up."

"Oh," Cota nodded. "Okay." The two continued walked. Suddenly, they both heard someone sneeze. "Bless you," Cota muttered to Keeler.

"What?" Keeler was confused. "That wasn't me."

"There is no one else in these woods," Cota informed. "If I didn't sneeze… and you didn't sneeze… then that only means one thing…"

"I agree," Keeler said. "That means-"

"The trees are alive!" Cota panicked. "We gotta get out of here!"

Keeler sighed and punched Cota in the stomach. "Just for once, rookie," Keeler pleaded angrily. "Shut up and let me figure this out." Keeler stood there for a moment, looking around. He raised his guns higher as he did so. "All right, ninja," Keeler called out. "I don't want to fight you right now, but I'm sure you have no problems wanting to kill me. Let's call a truce and everything will be fine. I'll return to the docks and you can return to… wherever you go. Sound good?"

There was a long silence as the cool wind brushed past the pirates. "Umm… no dice," breaking the silence, Kenko became visible and bashed Keeler in the back of the head.

"Ow! The back of my head!" Keeler cried as he fell to the ground.

"Keeler!" Cota shouted. Then Takaru became visible and grabbed Cota from behind.

"Got you dude!" Takaru said.

"Good work, Takaru," Kenko congratulated. "You take the prisoners back to base while I go to the docks and leave a message for the rest of the pirates."


	6. Chapter 6

Ninja vs. Pirates

Log Six: Anger Mismanagement

The rising sun was getting into Headrick's eyes as he started to wake up from being unconscious. A voice was calling out to him as he started to awaken. "Headrick," a deep and gruff voice called out. It sounded similar to the captain's voice.

"Captain?" Headrick called back in a quiet and weak voice. His eyes were still closed and the world was still spinning to him. "What happened?"

"You tell me," Captain asked Headrick. "I came back last night and saw you be passed out on the docks here with a note attached to yer front and one to yer back."

"Really?" Headrick sat up, still not feeling at his best. "What did they say?"

"The one on yer back told me to leave that note alone and not tell ye what it said," Captain explained. "So I be checkin' the other note and found out that the ninja in this area kidnapped out new swabbie!"

"What about Keeler?" Headrick asked.

"Oh," Captain muttered. "I think they be mentioning something about taking him too. I didn't remember because I was so distraught about losing the newest addition to our team!"

"You haven't even met the guy yet," Headrick pointed out.

"Nonetheless," Captain argued. "He'll probably make a better subordinate than Keeler's ever been, yar."

"True," Headrick agreed. "Sir, I think we should formulate a counterattack as soon as possible."

"Done," Captain informed. "Get up and we'll take those sneaky bastards for what they're worth!"

"Yes, sir!" Headrick stood up and turned to start going into the woods. Captain then kicked him in the butt. "Ouch. What was that for, sir?"

"The note said that ye like to be kicked in the bum" Captain explained. "So I did."

"What the fuck?" Headrick groaned.

* * *

The ninja gathered around their new hostages with enthusiasm. Keeler and Cota were tied to a pole, back-to-back. Keeler was the first one to getting conscious again. He looked around and saw nothing but tents and chests filled with assorted weapons and papers. "Oh crap," he muttered. "This is the Ninja camp isn't it?" Rinki fell from the tree above and looked at Keeler directly in the face.

"Hey!" Rinki shouted. "Guys! This one is awake!" Takaru came to check out the situation and was shortly followed by Kenko. Kenko was carrying his bag of mystery while Takaru was carrying the "elven" scrolls. The two took their positions on either side of Keeler.

"Okay, pirate," Kenko addressed. "We want information and we want it now."

"But aren't you ninja?" Keeler asked. "I thought you already had all the information."

"Shut up!" Kenko ordered. "Now, tell us the plans the Pirate Corps have for the war. More specifically, what are they planning to do to eradicate the ninja."

"Yeah," Rinki asked. "Because it seems unlikely that ninja could be defeated by pirates… you can't really swim well."

"That's just Cota," Keeler reminded. "As for plans, all we're really told is to sail to one place, pillage it, then sail off again and repeat. Not much of a plan."

"He's not talking," Takaru sighed. "What now?"

"I suppose next is… torture?" Kenko suggested.

"No," Takaru argued. "We have to build UP to torturing. First we have to do the good-cop-bad-cop routine."

"We don't have time for that, Takaru!" Kenko insisted. "For all we know the pirates are currently amounting a large offensive to save these guys. I don't want to lose any valuable information because we took our time doing routines and show tunes."

"Fine," Takaru gave in. "Torture it is. How we going to do that? We don't have any torture device or interrogation techniques to brag about."

"That's what the bag is for," Kenko pointed out. "I assume that we can pull anything out of these bags at anytime. So all we have to do is pull out a torture device or something to help us interrogate him."

"But dude," Takaru argued. "That could take longer than my suggestion. We have a better chance of the scrolls working for us. Besides, what if we get something bad out of the bag that kills us instantly? I don't want to lose my hand to something like a dragon."

"Problem solved," Kenko informed. "Rinki. There's a prize in the bag. Try to pull it out. I'll let you know if you find what we need."

"OKAY!" Rinki shouted cheerfully. Kenko handed the bag off to Rinki and Rinki took it and sat next to Keeler.

"Listen, pirate," Kenko started. "Do what we tell you to do and we won't have Rinki pull an item out of the bag of mystery. Understand?"

"Fuck you," Keeler responded.

"Show we mean business, Rinki," Kenko ordered.

Rinki stuck his hand into the bag and began feeling around for something. After a moment of searching, his eyes made a surprised expression. "Kenko! I think I found something!"

"Pull it out," Kenko ordered.

Rinki began to pull the item out of the bag. It was a smaller, plastic bag filled with gummy worms. "Oh! Oh! Can I go eat these now?" Rinki asked. "I love gummy worms!"

"What the hell?" Kenko asked. "Gummy worms? This bag is useless!" Kenko approached the bag and attempted to pull something out. "I wonder what I'll get. Probably a CD of music or something." Then there was a loud crunching sound and Kenko pulled his hand back as quickly as possible. "OW! FUCK!"

"What happened?" Takaru asked.

"Something hit my hand with sledge hammer!" Kenko answered. He opened the bag and shouted into it, "You better look out you fucking douche! I'm coming in there and kicking the crap out of you!"

"That's probably what he wants you to do," Takaru offered. "Just let it go and let Rinki stick to the bag for now."

"Fine," Kenko muttered, still fuming. "Rinki, try to get something else out of the bag, preferably something useful."

"Okay!" Rinki stuck his hand in the bag again.

* * *

Headrick and Captain were sitting in some shrubbery just outside the ninja campsite. They watched in complete disbelief at what they were seeing being done to their crew. "Those pajama wearing monsters, yar," the captain muttered. "They be lettin' poor Cota sleep as they attempt to torture Keeler. Why would they let him suffer so much?"

"If I may, sir," Headrick interrupted. "Perhaps the bigger problem is that bag they have. It seems like they can pull anything out of it. Look, that one ninja just pulled out an accordion."

"GODDAMN IT!" Kenko's shouts could be heard from where they were hiding. "TRY AGAIN, RINKI!"

"Linky?" Captain asked. "What kinda name be that for a soldier?"

"It's elven," Headrick answered. "They have some weird names."

"Those cunnin' elf bastards!" Captain insulted. "Any idea on how to get ém? Preferably with some way of gettin' rid o' Keeler in the process?"

"Let's try a flanking maneuver," Headrick suggested. "One of us will charge in and the other will come from the side. They won't expect it."

"I dunno, Headrick," Captain questioned the validity of the plan. "What if that's what they want us to be thinking and when we go through with that plan they be turning the tables on us before we even know that there even be tables!?"

"Um… I doubt they've thought that far head, sir," Headrick answered. "They don't seem prepared for battle at all. The only one with a weapon is Cota and he's asleep."

"Then flanking it is," Captain agreed. "Ye flank and I be charging. If I'm lucky, I'll hit Keeler in the process." The captain took out two pistols and readied them to fire.

"Excellent idea, Captain," Headrick kissed up to the captain. He unsheathed his sword and prepared for the attack.

* * *

"One… more… time… Rinki," Kenko said as he breathed deeply between each word to calm himself down from the stress he was dealing with.

"Okay!" Rinki put his hand into the bag and began to pull something else out. "I think I have something useful this time… it's… it's… a"

"What!?" Kenko demanded. "What is it!?"

Rinki pulled out a deck of cards from the bag tied with some kind of glowing threads. The deck itself gave off an eerie aura. Rinki put it on the ground next to Kenko's feet. "I don't like it," Rinki said. "It reminds me of a really bad anime dub I don't want to see again… Poor Yugi."

"A deck of cards?" Kenko did not sound amused. "Why the hell won't IT GIVE US ANYTHING USEFUL?"

"You need to relax, dude," Takaru offered. "This may seem bad, but it isn't as bad as the situation could be, right?"

"I… I suppose you're right," Kenko agreed. "Not like we're being attacked now or anything." Just then Captain emerged from the bushes in front of the campsite and pointed his guns in the faces of Kenko and Takaru.

"FREEZE… scumbags!" Captain threatened.

"Damn it," Kenko muttered. "Told you so."


	7. Chapter 7

Ninja vs. Pirates

Log Seven: Major Glory

The Captain had a gun in the faces of both Takaru and Kenko. They raised their arms in submission as they could really do nothing at the moment. With an evil grin the Captain stared right into Kenko's eyes. "Alright, ninja," he warned. "Time for ye to offer yer surrender. Our demands be simple. We be wanting the new recruit released."

"And Keeler, too, sir," Headrick reminded Captain as he came from the side with a sword at Rinki's neck.

"Yeah," Captain muttered. "I be supposing. We also be taking that other bag ye got over there, yar."

"Fine," Kenko replied. "But what do we get?"

"What?" Headrick questioned. "You're surrendering! All you get is humiliation and ridicule!"

Kenko and Takaru glanced at each other and then looked back at the captain. "We already have that," Takaru argued. "What else you got?"

"Um…" Captain mulled it over. "What do you want?"

"We want you to admit that the pirates suck!" Kenko demanded.

Captain and Headrick glanced at each other, then at Keeler, then back to the ninja. "What if we tell you that one of us sucks?" Captain asked.

* * *

"Okay," Kenko started. Kenko, Takaru, Rinki, Keeler, and Cota were on one side of the camp with the gear while Captain and Headrick watched from the other side. "I'll send over your prisoners first… then you do your part… then we'll give you the bag. Deal?"

"I'm on board," Captain replied.

"Same here," Headrick agreed.

"Do I have to!?" Keeler demanded to know.

"Yeah, numb-nuts!" Captain answered. "Send ém over!" Kenko and Takaru sent Keeler and Cota over to where Headrick and Captain.

"Your turn!" Takaru ordered.

"This is stupid," Keeler muttered.

"Do it, whelp!" Captain ordered. "Don't make me kill ye sooner than I be planning to."

"Fine," Keeler fumed. He turned to the pirates and began to speak louder. "I just want everyone to know… that I suck."

"And?" Kenko asked.

"And… I am a girl… who likes all the boys that are ninjas…" Keeler added.

"What else?" Kenko urged him to continue.

"And… I love watching hardcore anal porn with my life partner… which makes me gay," Keeler forced out of his mouth.

"This is the best surrender yet!" Captain beamed.

"I agree with you completely, sir," Headrick added.

"Okay," Kenko laughed. "Here's your bag." He handed Keeler their second mystery bag and then the pirates returned to the docks and the ninja sat back down on their logs and examined their deck of evil cards they had gotten from earlier in the day.

"So, what do you think is up with these cards?" Takaru asked. "They seem kinda evil."

"Yeah," Kenko answered. "I noticed. I get the feeling that if we mess with them, it'll go bad. Maybe we shouldn't mess with them."

"No argument here," Takaru agreed. "But is it just me, or are we missing some?" They both looked down to see the glowing thread at been broken and that half the deck was missing. Kenko and Takaru panicked as they rushed over to Rinki who was playing in his tent.

"RINKI!" Kenko shouted. "Did you take some of those cards?"

Rinki slowly turned around. "No… I was busy looking at this scroll. Then this guy came out and I've been drawing comics with him." Rinki pointed to a one-armed zombie who was sitting at the other end of the tent with him. "He smells funny, but he's really quiet."

"HOLY SHIT!" Kenko and Takaru shouted. "A ZOMBIE!"

* * *

"Check it out men," Captian held out a fistful of the evil cards he stole from the ninja base. "They didn't even see the double-cross until it was too late… may not see it even now, yar!"

"Excellent maneuver, sir!" Headrick offered.

"Kiss-ass," Keeler insulted. "Sir, they were saying those cards possessed an evil energy. Are you sure it is a good idea to be messing with them?"

"Of course it is," the Captain argued. "This be a glorious day for the pirates of the world, yar. They be our trophies to prove it!"

"I'm saying, aren't you a little nervous that something bad might happen if use have them?" Keeler rephrased.

"Why should I be?" Captain ignored the warnings. "We be the victorious winners of the day! Glory to the pirates!"

"The cards are cursed!" Keeler pointed out. "Something bad might and probably will happen! That's who it always happens."

"Nonsense!" Captain persisted. "I already said we're pirates AND we're the winners! What more do I need to say!?"

"I don't think he's physically capable of understanding," Headrick pointed out to Keeler.

"Yeah," Keeler sighed. "I thought as much."

"Let's take a gander at ém," the captain suggested. He whipped them out and started flipping through them. One card had a dragon on it, another had a strange looking sphere-like thing on it, and another one had a cyborg on it. "What the hell? There's nothing useful on these… like information… or directions to the nearest rum store, yar!" As he continued to flip through them, he tossed them casually on the ground. Eventually he came to the last one which had a picture of a scepter with a skull on the top of it. The captain looked at it more closely. "Hey! I like this one, it reminds me of our flag!"

"Just what we need," Keeler muttered sarcastically. "Another thing with a skull on it. I thought we didn't have enough of those."

"Can it, boot-licker," Captain ordered. "I'm putting this up on a mantle for everyone to see."

* * *

Kenko and Takaru were examining the scroll that Rinki had used to see if they could get rid of the zombie that had just appeared out of nowhere. On one end of the scroll, a number had been scribbled down there. "Look!" Takaru pointed out. "There's a number we can call if we're having problems."

"Good," Kenko said. "Give me your cell phone. You're the only one who has theirs."

"Here," Takaru handed him a cell phone.

Kenko dialed the number and the phone rang three times before someone picked up. The person had very fast and annoying voice. "Hey! Hey! This is Ninja Central. What can I do you for?"

"Ninja central?" Kenko asked. "You guys actually can be reached? Why didn't anyone tell me that before?"

"We don't like giving out too much information," the guy replied. "Oh, and my name is McNeal… you can call me 'Neal'."

"Neal?' Kenko repeated. "What kind of name is that for a ninja?"

"A damn fine one, sir," Neal answered. "So what can I do ya for?"

"Well," Kenko got back on to why he called. "We have a problem with a scroll that you guys sent us."

"Oh," Neal replied. "Our bad big guy. So what's the problem? Not working, not stopping, no opening, not stopping burning, not exploding, not legible? I told the team to make them in English but you know how the scroll writers are. They're traditional Japanese who want their scrolls written right."

"Japanese?" Kenko got off topic again. "I thought they were elves."

"Ha! Ha! Good one," Neal complimented. "Now, what's the problem?"

"Oh, well… it summoned a zombie… is that normal?" Kenko asked.

"Does the scroll say 'zombie' on it… or 'undead'?" Neal asked.

"I don't know," Kenko answered. "I can't read whatever the fuck language is written on these scrolls."

"Okay," Neal replied. "Well the scrolls summon whatever is written on them when you input a little of your energy into the scroll."

"How do we unsummon something?" Kenko asked.

"There are two methods," Neal explained. "One is just waiting for the time to elapse then the summoned thing in question will vanish. The other is… oh… sorry buddy. I have to go. I got another call on another line and it is mucho importante. Adios!"

"Wait!" Kenko asked as he was being hung up on. "What's the other way!? Damn it… he's gone…"


	8. Chapter 8

Ninja vs. Pirates

Log Eight: Tricks of the Trade

Kenko hung up the phone and returned it to Takaru. He then fell to his knees, curled into a ball, and shouted loudly into his chest a bunch of profane, yet undistinguishable, words. Takaru slipped the phone into one of his many hidden ninja pockets and then sat next to Kenko on the ground. He place a hand on Kenko's shoulder.

"Relax," Takaru urged. "I'm sure whatever you were told is not that bad. Come on, what is some new information we learned today?"

"The scrolls are Japanese… not elven," Kenko muttered.

"Japanese? Isn't that the communist country that enslaves children to make cheap crap for various countries around the world… like America?" Takaru asked. "I can't believe we're working for those dipshits."

"Who cares about that!?" Kenko replied. "I didn't learn anything about getting rid of the fucking zombie!"

"How'd it get here anyway?" Takaru asked.

"Apparently, we summoned it through the scroll," Kenko explained. "Now we wait until time elapses and it will disappear on its own."

"How long can that possibly take?" Takaru asked. "Rinki summoned it. I'm sure it'll be gone in a few minutes. If not, then by the end of the day for sure."

Kenko looked at the ground and then over to Takaru. His expression was gravely serious. He put out a hand. "Takaru, give me your phone again. I'm not taking any chances. I'm going to call an expert."

* * *

"Hey, crew!" Captain shouted. "Ya'll wanna see a card trick?"

"No!" Keeler shouted. "Not another one of those retarded card tricks."

"Come on, this is a good one… and it requires me to be using more than a few cards so I had Cota go find and pick up the rest," Captain explained. "Ye gonna make all his hard work go fer nutin?"

"Fine," Keeler sighed. "What's the trick?"

"Pick a card, any card!" Captain commanded as he held the cards up, facing away from him. Keeler picked the one with a monkey on it, showed it to Cota and Headrick. After that, he placed the card back in the middle of the deck. "Okay! Now, BEHOLD!" Captain made a very red and stressed face. He then stuck a card down into the back of his pants and pulled out a card, it was the one with a slingshot on it. "This be yer card, lad?"

"No," Keeler sighed. "I'm sure if this trick worked, I'd be totally amazed right now."

"Shut up, land-lover!" Captain ordered.

"I thought it was an excellent trick, sir!" Headrick commented.

"Can it, kiss ass!" Captain ordered. "When I need ass kissing, I'll give the order."

"Yes, sir!" Headrick said.

* * *

Kenko returned from outside the camp and gave back Takaru's cell phone. "Okay. We'll be getting some help in a few moments. I know someone from my old ninja village who is good with these kinds of things. I owe this person my life for both healing me from near death situations and diffusing near death situations."

"Oh," Takaru muttered. "Near death. See, a zombie is already dead so your friend will be kind of useless."

"Shut up, Takaru," Kenko ordered. Rinki ran up to them. "What do you have on the walking corpse, Rinki?"

"Um… well… I did what you asked me to and asked various questions to him," Rinki informed. "When I asked about what he wants, he said 'brAIns'. When I asked about where he'd like to go, he said 'brAIns'. When I asked what his favorite color is, because I like to know that about people, he said 'pUrplE'. He seems rather interesting. I like him. All his talk about brains makes me feel like I'm with a smart guy."

"Kenko," Takaru began.

"I know, Takaru," Kenko sighed. "Just ignore it." Kenko turned back to Rinki. "Okay, rookie. You're a Génin now and you can't let your teammates down, right?"

"Of course not, sir!" Rinki agreed.

"Okay. So we're going to take shifts so we can sleep before a new teammate comes here to help us with the situation," Kenko explained. "I'll take the first shift of sleep so that way Takaru can sleep."

"I get to sleep too, right?" Rinki asked.

"No," Kenko explained further. "I need you to watch the zombie."

"His name is Hans," Rinki explained.

"Hans the zombie?" Takaru asked. "That's almost as weird as Neal for a ninja."

"Whatever," Kenko continued. "While Takaru sleeps, I'll be watching for pirates and the newcomer. You watch the zombie. Then it will be Takaru's shift to watch for pirates while I sleep. All the while, you watch the zombie."

"Wait… it seems like you two get to sleep… while I don't… why's that?" Rinki asked.

"Well," Kenko paused. "You're special. The zombie wants brains but for some unknown reason, you are unaffected by his incredible appetite for them. So as long as you watch him, the team is safe. Understand?"

"I don't… but okay!" Rinki agreed to the deal and ran off to play with Hans.

"You think he'll be alright?" Takaru asked.

"It's Rinki," Kenko pointed out. "That's why I put him in charge of the zombie."

"Good call!" Takaru chuckled. "So you really want me to go to bed?"

"Yeah," Kenko insisted. "We'll need our rest when the help arrives."

"Got it," Takaru nodded. "See ya later."

* * *

Keeler was not willing to accept Captain's argument for the cards not being cursed. He decided there was only one option to fix this mess. He had to return to the ninja encampment with the cards to rid him of them. Keeler searched frantically for the cards and had most of them. The only one missing was the Skull Scepter card. "Where is that at?" Keeler asked himself. After doing some serious thinking, he remembered the captain placed it on his mantel as a tribute to their "glorious victory". That in mind, Keeler jumped onto the ship and started sneaking over to the captain's quarters. He was stopped by Headrick.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" he asked.

"What does it look like?" Keeler replied. "I'm going to go into the captain's quarters and take back the card he kept for himself."

"Why-"

"Because I still feel like they're cursed and I don't want that hanging over my head," Keeler explained. "If you're going to stop me then prepare to die."

"No," Headrick shook his head. "I was trying to say, why didn't you just ask me. I have a spare set of keys to his room."

"You… You aren't going to stop me?" Keeler asked.

"Fuck no," Headrick sighed with relief. "I don't want to be cursed either. I'll go with you to return it too."


End file.
